NONSENSE GENERAL
a travelogue, of sorts

by Colonel Ben H. Swett, USAF (Retired)
Impressions from active duty 1955 - 1985

LACKLAND, AFB, TEXAS

Air Force officers' boot camp ...
Took the eye test seven times,
read 20-30 every time,
and thus became a navigator.

ELLINGTON AFB, TEXAS

From the air, it looks like
an insignificant chalk-mark
on a steaming billiard table.

MATHER AFB, CALIFORNIA

Navigators' trade school:
Weak-eyes Polytech
on the Sacramento ...

STEAD AFB, NEVADA
(Survival School)

Porcupines, chipmunks,
and manzanita tea,
push-ups and mickey-mouse.
Pemican, blisters,
and soggy sleeping bags;
three shivering people
in a little nylon house.

McCONNELL AFB, KANSAS

This is the B-47 Stratojet,
the instructor said,
otherwise known as
the whistling outhouse, or
the six-engined post-hole digger.
The navigator's ejection seat
goes DOWN instead of UP...

WALKER AFB, NEW MEXICO

When the wind is East
and the dust is brown,
that's Texas blowing by ...
But wind in the West
with a yellow grit:
Arizona's on the fly ...

PEASE AFB, NEW HAMPSHIRE

What do you folks do
in the summertime?
I asked.
Well,
he said,
If it falls on Sunday,
we have a picnic.

PLATTSBURGH AFB, NEW YORK

Cold and dry is better than cold and wet.
Witness the sign over the door
of the maintenance debriefing room:
"PEASE IS OUR PROFESSION."

LORING AFB, MAINE

Hell of a fine place,
the guy said,
if you have a chance,
don't go.

GOOSE BAY, LABRADOR

Sort of like an island,
or a ship ...
most of what's outside the fence
is water,
and the rest might as well be ...

TORREJON AB, SPAIN
(La Siesta in Madrid)

For three hours,
one stands in a doorway,
his head drenched,
icy rain blowing around his knees,
staring into barred windows
across a deserted street ...

ZARAGOZA AB, SPAIN

They tell me the wind
stopped blowing
once ...
Everybody fell over.

MARAKESH BOMB RANGE, MOROCCO

You can't miss it:
it's three sand dunes north
of the intersection
of a camel trail
and a gully.

UPPER HEYFORD RAFB, UK

Ceiling zero,
visibility three yards ...
but with "bright periods"
around noon.

EIELSON AFB, ALASKA

Figure a half-hour
fuel reserve:
it takes that long
to get the moose
off the runway ...

YOKOTA AB, TOKYO, JAPAN

The taxi driver turns around,
leans over the back of the front seat,
grins at us,
flashing his one gold tooth,
and yells:
ME KAMIKAZE BOY, YOU HANG ON!

ANDERSEN AFB, GUAM

A swayback runway
with five hundred feet
of instant altitude
and a lot of water
just beyond the far end.

NORTH FIELD, GUAM

Notice to Airmen:
Runway slick,
snails.

FORBES AFB, KANSAS

Where some nice guys
got the Distinguished Flying Cross
in peacetime
with Top Secret citations ...

MALMSTROM AFB, MONTANA

I'd like to be here
about a million years from now
when some poor archaeologist
tries to explain
a Minuteman silo ...

MINOT AFB, NORTH DAKOTA

"You gonna re-enlist?"
"Hell, no!"
"Why not?"
"Minot!"

HOLLOMAN AFB, NEW MEXICO
(Missile Development Center)

A rocket track and a monkey farm,
a think tank and a balloon ranch,
radar scatter and Trinity site,
all strewn across a frying pan
between cardboard-cutout mountains.

DAVIS MONTHAN AFB, ARIZONA
(The Bone-yard)

You know you are getting old
when your aluminum friends
are here and nowhere else ...

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA
(Armed Forces Staff College)

Army, Navy, Air Force,
Marines, Coast Guard,
and who-knows-what ?
Forty-leven kinds of uniforms.

HOMESTEAD AFB, FLORIDA
(Sea Survival School, aka Splash School)

An outdoor amusement park
that features parasail rides,
helicopter rescue parties,
and trolling for sharks
with yourself as the bait.

SHAW AFB, SOUTH CAROLINA

That EB-66 is a cute little airplane.
Too bad the engines they put on it
were designed for one-time flight
on unmanned anti-aircraft missiles.

LOCKBOURNE AFB, OHIO

For sure, the C-123 Provider
isn't a pretty machine,
the aircrew instructor said,
but it's the most rugged airplane
you're ever likely to meet.

He was right.

CLARK AB, PHILIPPINES
(Jungle Survival School, aka Snake School)

The negrito instructor
finds enough food in the jungle
in ten minutes
to feed twelve men,
but when he stops grinning,
he becomes invisible ...

CAM RANH BAY AB, VIETNAM
(Sandbox-by-the-Sea)

A big tin barn
stuffed with people
of assorted races,
sizes, shapes and ages,
uniforms and faces ...
all sleeping in
the darndest places!

PHAN RANG AB, VIETNAM
(Happy Valley)

BOOKIE BIRDS (C-123)
and HUNS (F-100)
SHADOWS, STINGERS (AC-119)
PEDROS (RH-43)
and the fossilizing GOON (AC-47)

No wonder the general called this place
"Air Museum East"

SONG BE, VIETNAM

The young copilot
thought Phan Rang
was the bung-hole of creation
until he saw the cement culverts
with sand bags at each end
that passed for
Visiting Officers' Quarters
at Song Be ...

KHE SANH, VIETNAM

Where a bunch of Marines
served as the bait
in a better mousetrap.

TAN SON NHUT AB, VIETNAM

This traffic pattern has gotta be
the most dangerous place
this side of Hanoi ...
Even if you do avoid
a midair collision,
you could still run out of gas,
miss your DEROS,
or starve.

SAIGON, VIETNAM

I heard that one GI
actually crossed Tudo Street
during rush hour
without getting run over
by a Honda.

DA NANG AB, VIETNAM

Nice climate here.
It automatically produces
the best instrument pilots
west of San Francisco,
and then sends them home
with a sun-tan
like the underside
of a frog.

BINH THUY AB, VIETNAM

FNG: "Why do all those helicopters
fly around all the time?"

SHORT: "Cause there ain't enough room
to land 'em all at once."

TAKHLI AB, THAILAND

Where the Base Exchange
sets sales records
in flashlights ...
because of the cobras.

KHORAT AB, THAILAND

Several guys said
it was the Chaplain
who started that rumor
about venereal
leprosy ...

ANDREWS AFB, MARYLAND
(Headquarters, Systems Command)

From the top, this building
looks like half a pizza pie,
and the Command logo looks like
six paths to the outhouse ...
What am I doing HERE?

WASHINGTON, DC

Looks like it might be
a nice place,
if they ever got it finished ...

THE PENTAGON (arrival)

If somebody doesn't turn off
the Xerox machines
this five-sided wastepaper basket
is gonna explode
and scatter confetti
over three or four states.

THE PENTAGON (departure)

This is the assignment that
REALLY
turns boys into men ...
old men.

DEFENSE INDUSTRIAL SUPPLY CENTER
PHILADELPHIA

What a pleasant surprise!
Some government employees,
without uniforms,
who know the meaning
of "civil"
and "service" ...

PHILADELPHIA, PA

City of brotherly love,
and other perversions ...
pot-hole capitol
of the known universe,
with third-generation
car-thieves ...
If these drivers
see a car with four fenders,
they go after it,
for the insurance ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEMPLE HILLS, MARYLAND
(Retirement from the Air Force)

Yes, you really ought to
retire in Maryland.

Why?

Because of the license plates:
"Maryland is for crabs"